“the dc area”

What’s up internet?

Fun fact, I am actually from “the dc area” but moved away many years ago. Then, when the opportunity presented itself, I moved back…to the CITY. (I will never call it “the District” that is dumb. It was pretentious in 2001, it’s pretentious now.)

For a kid from the dc suburbs, let me tell you, it feels like a major accomplishment to cross that bridge and live in that city. I still feel a little thrill driving over the Key Bridge and knowing, hey, I live on that side!

Downside, pretty sure every time I visit my family in the suburbs, people see a DC plate and think “drug dealer.” let’s face it I used to think that, too!

However…and I hate to admit this…but as I sit here basically trapped in my apartment with no outdoor space for il Bambino, I have a little bit begun to long for the suburbs. At least a yard. Which brings me to my topic of the day, which is: stereotypes about the suburbs of Washington, D.C. Sometimes it is good to get our minds off of the covid-19 epidemic.

My totally subjective (and largely outdated) impressions of the suburbs of Washington, D.C.

waldorf: basically the eastern shore

upper marlboro: your doctor and/or dentist lives here

 rockville: kind of nice downtown? fairfax city of the north

greenbelt: more astronaut drop outs than any other zipcode in the nation

college park: not a charming college town

takoma park: california east

hyattsville: kind of a lot of artists? affordable single family houses

chevy chase: where people act like the other side of the street is a warzone just bc it’s dc (check out the border walls on Western Ave) and the houses are only 2 million dollars instead of five

bethesda: u want a 4 bd home in dc but u don’t have the moola so u convince urself that u basically do live in dc even tho u definitely do not. but hey! the schools are great and you have the same main avenues as DC…

silver spring: bethesda for more liberal ppl who are a little bit poorer

arlington: mil dollar houses acting like anything south of 50 is literally the south side of chicago. also not even gps will save u here.

burke: hard-working gs-11s with four kids seeking affordable housing near the VRE

springfield: the kind of people who buy houses that advertise how close the house is to i-95, i-495, i-395 etc

annandale: korean bbq yaaasss, eden center, wish u had a metro

falls church: falls church city always trying to say it’s not that “falls church” (county)*

alexandria: colonial williamsburg of washington

fairfax city: the deep south of NOVA.** also trying very hard to ignore GMU

vienna: i went here a million years ago and decided i wanted to live here forever. not sure why, just have this strong sense that maybe, maybe Vienna, Virginia is my DESTINY. downside, it costs 50$ a day to drive into dc on i-66

woodbridge: the actual deep south

reston: retiree nazis pouring all their energy into HOA dictatorships. venezuela could learn from them.

loudoun county: ???  how did u get so popular? (seriously…when I was in high school i thought loudoun was like, pick up trucks and pregnant christian teens.) now it is traffic hell/ upscale strip mall paradise

mclean: when u are very very rich and can depend on just one one lane bridge to get to work because you have a helipad (doesn’t everyone?)

whew you got any others?



*Don’t you just love it when a place you’ve never heard of defines itself as not being another place (that you also have never heard of)?

** Only when you move away from Northern Virginia do you start saying NOVA to define the area and not the community college