is reading dcurbanmoms worth it?

Dear internet,

Nobody does a good humblebrag like a dcurbanmoms poster.

Examples of post before Covid-19:*

-I am afraid my 7 month old is delayed because she only can spell her first name with blocks and not our last name and street address

-Any leads on peanut-free tutors for the preschool entrance exam? Beauvoir is our back up

-Here is a short 22 school list for the DCPS prek3 lottery, i only spent 45 hours on the list I just need some feedback, like if anyone could predict the future that would be great?

-What is the most impressive college my nice normal average kid can get into so i don’t feel ashamed of the sticker on the back of our prius in four years time?

I guess the central premise of dcurbanmoms is, i worked hard to get here, therefore i am better than other people, and anybody who isn’t successful just didn’t try enough. Like i didn’t become valedictorian of my high school class in Ohio to move to DC and struggle to claw my way up the corporate-GS-biglaw-beltway bandit ladder just to settle for an *average* life with *average* kids. if i had wanted the easy way out I would have stayed home and started a MLM and/or gotten addicted to opioids like the captain of the cheerleading squad.

But faced with a disease that doesn’t discriminate, people are trying extra hard to distinguish themselves. like more so than normal.

Examples of Covid-19 era posts:**

I went to the store and i didn’t buy toilet paper because i am a better person than that horrible woman in front of me who bought TWO rolls!

Response 1: she probably has a giant horde in her tacky Mcmansion. Can somebody look up her real estate listing and tell me what’s wrong with it? HHI 330k.

Response 2: My child donates toilet paper to poor people every week, do you think that is a good activity for college apps? if so how long does he have to keep it up? My husband is tired of using leaves from our backyard.

I love that even in the midst of a bonafide international health crisis, the posters at dcurbanmoms keep so…on brand.



*All made-up of course
**Obviously made-up but pretty darn close

HHI = House Hold Income, for some reason people just tack this info on to their posts like it’s a high score in a video game?? like unsolicitedly

“the dc area”

What’s up internet?

Fun fact, I am actually from “the dc area” but moved away many years ago. Then, when the opportunity presented itself, I moved back…to the CITY. (I will never call it “the District” that is dumb. It was pretentious in 2001, it’s pretentious now.)

For a kid from the dc suburbs, let me tell you, it feels like a major accomplishment to cross that bridge and live in that city. I still feel a little thrill driving over the Key Bridge and knowing, hey, I live on that side!

Downside, pretty sure every time I visit my family in the suburbs, people see a DC plate and think “drug dealer.” let’s face it I used to think that, too!

However…and I hate to admit this…but as I sit here basically trapped in my apartment with no outdoor space for il Bambino, I have a little bit begun to long for the suburbs. At least a yard. Which brings me to my topic of the day, which is: stereotypes about the suburbs of Washington, D.C. Sometimes it is good to get our minds off of the covid-19 epidemic.

My totally subjective (and largely outdated) impressions of the suburbs of Washington, D.C.

waldorf: basically the eastern shore

upper marlboro: your doctor and/or dentist lives here

 rockville: kind of nice downtown? fairfax city of the north

greenbelt: more astronaut drop outs than any other zipcode in the nation

college park: not a charming college town

takoma park: california east

hyattsville: kind of a lot of artists? affordable single family houses

chevy chase: where people act like the other side of the street is a warzone just bc it’s dc (check out the border walls on Western Ave) and the houses are only 2 million dollars instead of five

bethesda: u want a 4 bd home in dc but u don’t have the moola so u convince urself that u basically do live in dc even tho u definitely do not. but hey! the schools are great and you have the same main avenues as DC…

silver spring: bethesda for more liberal ppl who are a little bit poorer

arlington: mil dollar houses acting like anything south of 50 is literally the south side of chicago. also not even gps will save u here.

burke: hard-working gs-11s with four kids seeking affordable housing near the VRE

springfield: the kind of people who buy houses that advertise how close the house is to i-95, i-495, i-395 etc

annandale: korean bbq yaaasss, eden center, wish u had a metro

falls church: falls church city always trying to say it’s not that “falls church” (county)*

alexandria: colonial williamsburg of washington

fairfax city: the deep south of NOVA.** also trying very hard to ignore GMU

vienna: i went here a million years ago and decided i wanted to live here forever. not sure why, just have this strong sense that maybe, maybe Vienna, Virginia is my DESTINY. downside, it costs 50$ a day to drive into dc on i-66

woodbridge: the actual deep south

reston: retiree nazis pouring all their energy into HOA dictatorships. venezuela could learn from them.

loudoun county: ???  how did u get so popular? (seriously…when I was in high school i thought loudoun was like, pick up trucks and pregnant christian teens.) now it is traffic hell/ upscale strip mall paradise

mclean: when u are very very rich and can depend on just one one lane bridge to get to work because you have a helipad (doesn’t everyone?)

whew you got any others?



*Don’t you just love it when a place you’ve never heard of defines itself as not being another place (that you also have never heard of)?

** Only when you move away from Northern Virginia do you start saying NOVA to define the area and not the community college