Bulletproof vests in DC

 Dear internet,

A word problem: Three athleisured ladies out on a walk in DC. 1/3 wore a Camelback vest; 2/3 wore bulletproof vests.

I have many, so many, questions, but first: how did camelback woman convince her friends to come to upper northwest dc for a fitness stroll in the first place? Did she lie to them? Because it is well fact that the area “wotp” or west of (rock creek) park is a high crime area, to be avoided by ladies, children, and small dogs. 

maybe they’re just bringing the 90s back to DC.*



Simpler Times

Dear Internet,

Let’s all just take a deep breath and think back to simpler times, specifically November 30, 2017 when I saw this white stretch hummer exiting the Taco Bell drive-thru.

A white stretch hummer exits a taco bell drive-thru
It was definitely after midnight when I took this photo

Somehow I managed to take this photo, then I managed not to delete it from my iphotos, and now whilst scrolling for some interesting photos in this time of self-isolation, this photo made me laugh.

But then I kept scrolling backward through iphoto and I realized with some chagrin that actually this photo was taken during an awful grim period in my life. It wasn’t a  “ha-ha” photo but rather a macabre “look at that, people are still out there having a good time.”

With shelter in place, nobody is out there having a good time. We are all in this uncertain time together. I don’t know if that makes it better or worse. All I know is I’d rather be in that stretch white hummer right now.



Dead drops and Grandparents

Dear internet,

Man, I feel this article so hard: “Kids are carriers. Grandparents are vulnerable.https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/on-parenting/grandchildren-grandparents-coronavirus/2020/03/18/bfefef64-6884-11ea-9923-57073adce27c_story.html

Il Bambino loves her Nonna and Grandpop and they love her. She is changing so quickly but because of covid-19 we can’t hang out. All we can do right now is wave through the window while I’m leaving them bags of supplies by the garage door, dead drop style. It fully sucks.




is reading dcurbanmoms worth it?

Dear internet,

Nobody does a good humblebrag like a dcurbanmoms poster.

Examples of post before Covid-19:*

-I am afraid my 7 month old is delayed because she only can spell her first name with blocks and not our last name and street address

-Any leads on peanut-free tutors for the preschool entrance exam? Beauvoir is our back up

-Here is a short 22 school list for the DCPS prek3 lottery, i only spent 45 hours on the list I just need some feedback, like if anyone could predict the future that would be great?

-What is the most impressive college my nice normal average kid can get into so i don’t feel ashamed of the sticker on the back of our prius in four years time?

I guess the central premise of dcurbanmoms is, i worked hard to get here, therefore i am better than other people, and anybody who isn’t successful just didn’t try enough. Like i didn’t become valedictorian of my high school class in Ohio to move to DC and struggle to claw my way up the corporate-GS-biglaw-beltway bandit ladder just to settle for an *average* life with *average* kids. if i had wanted the easy way out I would have stayed home and started a MLM and/or gotten addicted to opioids like the captain of the cheerleading squad.

But faced with a disease that doesn’t discriminate, people are trying extra hard to distinguish themselves. like more so than normal.

Examples of Covid-19 era posts:**

I went to the store and i didn’t buy toilet paper because i am a better person than that horrible woman in front of me who bought TWO rolls!

Response 1: she probably has a giant horde in her tacky Mcmansion. Can somebody look up her real estate listing and tell me what’s wrong with it? HHI 330k.

Response 2: My child donates toilet paper to poor people every week, do you think that is a good activity for college apps? if so how long does he have to keep it up? My husband is tired of using leaves from our backyard.

I love that even in the midst of a bonafide international health crisis, the posters at dcurbanmoms keep so…on brand.



*All made-up of course
**Obviously made-up but pretty darn close

HHI = House Hold Income, for some reason people just tack this info on to their posts like it’s a high score in a video game?? like unsolicitedly

“the dc area”

What’s up internet?

Fun fact, I am actually from “the dc area” but moved away many years ago. Then, when the opportunity presented itself, I moved back…to the CITY. (I will never call it “the District” that is dumb. It was pretentious in 2001, it’s pretentious now.)

For a kid from the dc suburbs, let me tell you, it feels like a major accomplishment to cross that bridge and live in that city. I still feel a little thrill driving over the Key Bridge and knowing, hey, I live on that side!

Downside, pretty sure every time I visit my family in the suburbs, people see a DC plate and think “drug dealer.” let’s face it I used to think that, too!

However…and I hate to admit this…but as I sit here basically trapped in my apartment with no outdoor space for il Bambino, I have a little bit begun to long for the suburbs. At least a yard. Which brings me to my topic of the day, which is: stereotypes about the suburbs of Washington, D.C. Sometimes it is good to get our minds off of the covid-19 epidemic.

My totally subjective (and largely outdated) impressions of the suburbs of Washington, D.C.

waldorf: basically the eastern shore

upper marlboro: your doctor and/or dentist lives here

 rockville: kind of nice downtown? fairfax city of the north

greenbelt: more astronaut drop outs than any other zipcode in the nation

college park: not a charming college town

takoma park: california east

hyattsville: kind of a lot of artists? affordable single family houses

chevy chase: where people act like the other side of the street is a warzone just bc it’s dc (check out the border walls on Western Ave) and the houses are only 2 million dollars instead of five

bethesda: u want a 4 bd home in dc but u don’t have the moola so u convince urself that u basically do live in dc even tho u definitely do not. but hey! the schools are great and you have the same main avenues as DC…

silver spring: bethesda for more liberal ppl who are a little bit poorer

arlington: mil dollar houses acting like anything south of 50 is literally the south side of chicago. also not even gps will save u here.

burke: hard-working gs-11s with four kids seeking affordable housing near the VRE

springfield: the kind of people who buy houses that advertise how close the house is to i-95, i-495, i-395 etc

annandale: korean bbq yaaasss, eden center, wish u had a metro

falls church: falls church city always trying to say it’s not that “falls church” (county)*

alexandria: colonial williamsburg of washington

fairfax city: the deep south of NOVA.** also trying very hard to ignore GMU

vienna: i went here a million years ago and decided i wanted to live here forever. not sure why, just have this strong sense that maybe, maybe Vienna, Virginia is my DESTINY. downside, it costs 50$ a day to drive into dc on i-66

woodbridge: the actual deep south

reston: retiree nazis pouring all their energy into HOA dictatorships. venezuela could learn from them.

loudoun county: ???  how did u get so popular? (seriously…when I was in high school i thought loudoun was like, pick up trucks and pregnant christian teens.) now it is traffic hell/ upscale strip mall paradise

mclean: when u are very very rich and can depend on just one one lane bridge to get to work because you have a helipad (doesn’t everyone?)

whew you got any others?



*Don’t you just love it when a place you’ve never heard of defines itself as not being another place (that you also have never heard of)?

** Only when you move away from Northern Virginia do you start saying NOVA to define the area and not the community college